It's Been Awhile

Wow -- this is the first blog post of the new year...and it's February. I was on a "one-post-a-month" plan, but Nina absorbs just about every moment of my time. I have had a lot I have wanted to write about, but have not gotten to do so. Therefore it is time for one of my lists:

Blog Topics:

- Nina & General Motherhood

- Baptism

- Dying and Death (woot ?)

- Oscar Nominated Films

Geez, light and breezy topics...where to begin.

I suppose I will start with my most recent thoughts: Nina and motherhood in general.

Nina was born in a state of panic -- or at least I was in a state of panic. As she was positioned in such an odd angle, there was no dilation and her heart rate kept plummeting every time I had a contraction. The doctor finally said "ok, your baby is not liking labor, and we need to get her out!" and we were ferried to the surgery at lightening speed.

When you hear the heartbeat you have heard for nine months suddenly slow and stop, something happens to you that is hard to describe. Whether it is instinct or emotion, a wave of panic came over me. It was the sort of frantic panic one has when things do not go according to plan for something very important. A very strange thing happened: I began to pray frantically.

Now, normally when the poo hits the fan, I either get super mad or I pray. I fully anticipated that if anything went wrong in labor, I would get super mad. It didn't happen; perhaps because it was possible that my child would die or perhaps because I realized getting super mad was not going to solve anything. I am just glad I could remember how to pray.

I whispered my prayers -- not a sound left my mouth. Lance said he could tell what I was doing : the way my eyes looked and the way my lips quivered.

The first prayer that popped into my head was "Have mercy on us O God, for we have put our hope in Thee. Be not angry with us greatly neither remember our iniquity, but look upon us now as Thou art compassionate." I have no idea where this is from (Psalms?), but it popped into my head. I prayed the "Hail, Mary" (known in Orthodox circles as "Rejoice, O Virgin") over and over along with the "Our Father" (even in Slavonic).

The anthesiologists (I had two) were trying to get a spinal tap going and I was not cooperating. One of them said "If we can't get this in, we are going to knock you out". Oddly enough, what helped me remain still and steady as they put the needle in was thinking "what would Lisabeth Salandar do?".

I did not set them or their cars on fire.

Instead, I neatly curved my back as I had been instructed and took the pain, like Lisabeth Salander would, knowing it was all for a great purpose.

As they began the extraction process, I returned to prayer and started the 50th Psalm (Have mercy on me, O God, etc.) figuring that if I bit it, I would at least be started on the Psalms for the funeral.

Lance said he peaked around the curtain and saw my bladder hanging out where it ought not be. He quickly returned to my side of the curtain. Soon we heard cries and one of the nurses showed us our wriggling bundle of pinkness. I took one look at her and thought "Nina Sophie" - - it came to me quickly and without hesitation.

And since then, motherhood has been a series of unpredictable events and stumbling blocks no one can anticipate.

I have been to lactation "workshops" with mothers running around with no shoes on, talking about how they needed an "outing" when I was trying to get help feeding Nina on just one breast ('cause I only have one). I have been to the pediatrician with other screaming children hoping that mine does not join the chorus. I have had not one, but THREE diaper blowouts at one venue. I am amazed at the vast amounts of laundry as Nina tends to "cheese" and does often when I have finally had a chance to take a shower.

I have said this often recently: motherhood is not intellectually straining as much as it is emotionally and physically demanding. I am rather good at being intellectually challenged as I think any human is. But I find myself quite the weakling when it comes to remaining emotionally balanced and physically capable of tending to a little person.

I get so frustrated with her, but constantly remind myself that she has not been in the country for that long. I recognized in myself that if I am not physically at least 50%, that is operating on half the amount of sleep and food I would normally have, I will not be able to take care of her. It has all become a balancing act: finding ways to keep my constantly busy mind engaged while still taking care of physical and emotional myself so I can take care of her.

I am also looking for a job because I don't think I can continue in this vein of work. I purposefully gave myself no job so that I could find out if I liked being a full-time mom. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like being a mom 24-7. It is hard work and I am not cut out for it. Since the stork does not accept returns, I must return to work so that I can better appreciate her. I am so grateful that I live in a time where this is possible, that I can decide what is best for my family.

Of course, returning to work during a recession is not easy and especially so when you also factor in childcare. Still, I return to prayer and know that God blessed us with Nina and so He will bless me with work when the time is right. I just have to continue to put hope in Him.