A Forced Hand

In my job search, at one point, I prayed "God, if you have something else in mind for me, don't let me get this job. I will take it. So, if there is something else for me to do...Your Will be done and all, but don't let me get this job."

And then I got the offer. I better understand what Julia Sweeney meant when she wrote "And God said 'Ha'". There was a lot of soul searching and crying that happened this weekend.

At one point I wrote on my pros and cons list:

"I really would love to take this job. I feel that is would give me some purpose. I could be useful. Right now I just feel like a huge burden to my husband and my child. I just sit around and watch her all day and try to apply for jobs. The house is a mess. Dinners are mediocre. I feel awful about myself because I do not enjoy staying at home with my child. I am not earning any money which makes just a mooch. What do I contribute to this family? More dishes to clean after meals that boring... Piles of laundry and hair clusters making the house unsightly. More bills for stuff we don’t need because I am bored and have nothing to do...

But, if I took the job, would it be any better? I would earn some money, but it would not be enough... And Nina would be sick [from daycare] and then Lance won’t be earning enough money and he makes more than I do and then where would we be?

... I wish I knew what made a person have meaning but I don’t know it. I suppose I put emphasis on earning money because I tend to equate happiness with stuff. But that is not where happiness comes from. I know that, but I don’t know what do so with myself.

I know I am blessed, but I hardly feel I have earned it."

Quite obviously, I have not been a great state of mind. I have been searching for a job, then finally the promise of one arrived, and yet when I got an offer I found it wasn't what I really wanted. The pay wasn't great and would barely plug the hole on a slowly sinking ship that is our finances. I would be rushed to find care for Nina and feel I had failed at not being an adequate mother to her as well as constantly worried about her well being. If the job was in a field I was interested in pursuing, it would be one thing. But it is in education, and I have been there and done that and wanted out of it.

Why would I then go back to make less money?

With heavy heart I had to decline the offer.

My plan so far is:

1) figure out what I want to do by asking people, researching more, etc.

2) join so sort of group or find ways to socialize so I don't feel so isolated

3) raise Nina as best I can without spending money willynilly

I felt as if my hand was forced and it was not the best time for me to make this choice. Yet, I am confident in the choice I did make. I need to figure out what I want and not pursue something to tide me over.

Tired

I am so tired of applying for jobs. The rejection really gets to you and you just want to give up. Or send a cover letter like this:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am applying for a job.

I know that might be obvious as you are reading this cover letter, but I am frankly bored by the whole process of applying for jobs. I continually revamp my cover letters and resumes, carefully tailoring them to every job I apply for and never get. Well, enough is enough. I WANT TO WORK ALREADY! Chances are you already know who you will hire and, if you are the type of person I do NOT want to work for, it will be someone you know from college. But, you had to post the position to be fair, or legal, or fairly legal. If that is the case, just stop reading now because I don't work for your kind. If you are honest, then read on please.

I am smart enough to know that there are at least 100 cover letters that are coming across your desk and you probably skim over the detailed descriptions of folks' past experiences.

I will make mine short and sweet: I went to college, I read a lot of books, I graduated, and I taught middle school for eight years. I am incredibly tech savvy and communicate well. I could run this country much less whatever job I am sending this letter to in hopes of gaining employment.

Why did I give up teaching? Because I have a child now and teaching sucks up a lot of one’s home time -- time that I would rather give to my child and husband. Sure, the opinion of a teacher’s work is rather low right now. Apparently I spent eight years baby-sitting and only working 5 hours a day for only 9 months of the year.

I wonder what happened to all those hours when I woke up at 5 a.m. to start grading papers or planning for some thrilling lesson. I wonder about all of those hours of professional development outside of school or during the summer, not to mention the time I spent after school tutoring students so that they could feel confident in who they are much less confident about math (which I taught for seven of those eight year). All those papers I took home to grade over Christmas vacation were gifts from my students (at least they were being thrifty).

I guess the 40+ hours I worked was only a fiction maintained in my head for eight years – which is odd because I never showed up for work intoxicated or high. Not once. Ever. Did I mention that I taught junior high? A little something something would have made it all much more bearable, but I chose to be competent rather than crude.

I have chased after rowdy kindergarteners during a cultural drumming exhibition (to the delight of my eighth graders), maintained blogs with countless pdfs so no child would be left behind when she conveniently left the rubric for a project due the next day in her locker for the past two months, had less than friendly conversations with parents who expected me to raise their child and teach them grammar, as well as changed my grades when a student at the 12^th hour finally turned in an assignment that would change her D- to a C-.

I been to Hades and back – it was fun but not thrilling, and compared to taking care of my baby, your job would a vacation.

I work hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. I could be a stellar employee if you would just hire me – and if you have a sense of humor.

If not, then clearly I am not the employee for you.

Kind Regards,

J. J. K.