But, if I took the job, would it be any better? I would earn some money, but it would not be enough... And Nina would be sick [from daycare] and then Lance won’t be earning enough money and he makes more than I do and then where would we be?
... I wish I knew what made a person have meaning but I don’t know it. I suppose I put emphasis on earning money because I tend to equate happiness with stuff. But that is not where happiness comes from. I know that, but I don’t know what do so with myself.
I know I am blessed, but I hardly feel I have earned it."
Quite obviously, I have not been a great state of mind. I have been searching for a job, then finally the promise of one arrived, and yet when I got an offer I found it wasn't what I really wanted. The pay wasn't great and would barely plug the hole on a slowly sinking ship that is our finances. I would be rushed to find care for Nina and feel I had failed at not being an adequate mother to her as well as constantly worried about her well being. If the job was in a field I was interested in pursuing, it would be one thing. But it is in education, and I have been there and done that and wanted out of it.
Why would I then go back to make less money?
With heavy heart I had to decline the offer.
My plan so far is:
1) figure out what I want to do by asking people, researching more, etc.
2) join so sort of group or find ways to socialize so I don't feel so isolated
3) raise Nina as best I can without spending money willynilly
I felt as if my hand was forced and it was not the best time for me to make this choice. Yet, I am confident in the choice I did make. I need to figure out what I want and not pursue something to tide me over.
3 comments:
Your plan is a good one. I'm willing to be more ears and less mouth if you need a sounding board. It was in the early years of motherhood that I started asking some of the questions you have asked here. Why are we called human beings instead of human doings, when all I feel like defines me is what I do? That sort of thing.
I think you made the right choice. It's not like it was an unknown world and you backed out from fear. You knew it, you've done it, you weren't going to be paid well enough to make a dent in the finances (especially with needing daycare for Nina). I wouldn't feel at all bad about turning it down--you've had a good cry and that's enough. Does it seem too horrible to consider continuing the jobsearch? are there jobs that you haven't considered trying for yet but might be suited for with a stretch of the imagination? That's basically how I came to be doing what I'm doing now (not that I'm advocating it as a way to make any real money, but I'm enjoying it, making a little money, and hopefully adding good stuff to my resume).....
I really need to figure out what it is that I like to do and how I can do it. I signed up for this seminar about finding one's dream job. It was free, otherwise I would not have signed up. So, maybe that will be a lead. From an interest survey I took I apparently would find being an actuary or an editor interesting. However, my math skillz need some dusting off and pumping up to be an actuary and I would need to find some leads to be an editor. We'll see.
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