Thursday, August 28, 2008

Sweet Irony of Life, I've Finally Found You...

So, I read Kate's recent post regarding what to do when life has you down.  I even posted a comment.

But never did I think I would re-read her post and my comment at 2:38 a.m. (approximately) and feel my stomach drop to my feet.

I better do twenty million GOOD DEEDS for peeps because I am currently MISERABLE.

The school year begins next week and I am in my pjs writing a post because I cannot sleep. Every time I try, I wake up, my heart beating in my ears, my teeth clenched.  Brideshead Revisited is completely overshadowed by my worries (I usually read to calm myself).

So what has me in a tizzy?

My job.  It bites.  Hard.

It all started sinisterly enough with a request/demand by my principal that I take a student into my "advanced" math class.  This student does not meet the test score criteria necessary to enter the class.  

I informed her of this.  I was met with a remark that shocked me.

"Well, I might have to make an administrative intervention!"

Me:  >:C   (for those of you who do not do emoicons, I was super mad and shocked)

One of my duties is to sort students by data into appropriate classes -- I didn't think my principal got to TELL me who should be in my class.   Not that this HASN'T happened before, but now I really have to put my foot down.  This kid has NEVER qualified, so why on EARTH should I consider him?

Perhaps his parents are supplying my principal with a lifetime supply of kitty litter (she's a cat lover.  And single.  Shocker.).  Or just the usual at my school -- complain to high heaven and you get what you want...if you are a parent.

But, today (well, yesterday) something worse happened.  I am afraid this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back (or whatever).

I had been fretting about the situation with the parents who want their kid in my class, but I kind of pushed that aside on the advice of my husband to "get over it".  

So, I sort of got over it, and moved on to planning for the year.  You know how sometimes there are little prophecies that signal what is to come?  Tiny premonitions that you cannot correctly interpret until an event happens?  Twice I had been asked about my schedule, and I assumed the same old thing with (hopefully) my classes broken up a little more over the day.

So when I received my schedule I fussed when I saw that I had three classes in a row again. "This bites," I thought and said aloud.  But on further inspection I drew in a sharp breath.

In three of my classes, I teach one less day a week.

My reaction:  0___0

While some of you (and my colleagues) may think "Big deal...wait...isn't that better?  Less work, more prep."

That might be true if I didn't love my job and students.  No one wins when you lose 40 days of instruction.  {Honestly, that is the only good thing that has come out of my day -- I realize I love my job and the students}

How on earth am I to teach the same content with LESS DAYS???  In one class my students are going to Tech Skills/Library Skills, so I might be able to integrate some cool math stuff there (and I have resigned myself to that fact).  But in the other two, the students go to PE or Spanish.

I seriously doubt the Spanish and PE teacher would be cool with me trying to integrate math into their lessons to make up for missed instruction.

And it wouldn't be so bad if it was just MY students, the ones who perform at the top of their class, missing so much instruction.  But what about those students who are below grade level? I do believe that most education research advocates MORE days instead of fewer days for all students, and extra time for those who struggle.

The worse part of all of this is I feel so disrespected.  I am (essentially) the department head/chair for math and I was NEVER consulted on this decision.  I ONLY found out about this when I received my schedule from the junior high department chair.  I have had no contact with my principal whatsoever regarding my schedule except for receiving it.

I feel powerless and stupid.   Like a joke.  I had created a survey this summer and arranged for math meetings before the year began -- it all seems pointless.  My fellow math teachers don't give a rat's fart that they have one less day.  Some have tried to take the sunny side of life "well, we'll just have to double up lessons (*stop whining*)".

I didn't cry though.  I threw a bit of a fit.  I turned the air significantly more blue (my vocabulary consisted mostly of $%&#$*% and @&!^*#& followed by !^#$&*!&@#).  I did no good deed as Kate recommended.

No, I waited till I got home and sobbed endlessly for half an hour into my husband's shoulder.

And like any good husband, he let me.  Then took me shopping.

For outdoor gear (he is getting ready for a trip).

The hubby says I am taking this all too personally (true) and that we all are just pawns and of little importance to those we work for (isn't he just a ray of sunshine).  He let me cry.  He cuddled me.

But I still can't sleep and am miserable.  I don't even want to go to school tomorrow.

I hurt.  

I feel like a moron for thinking that I was a respected member of a community. 

I am very seriously contemplating looking for other work for next year.

Ultimately, I don't know what to do, so I wrote this post.  If you read this, don't offer advice.  I don't need it.  

I need prayer.  So, please pray.

(perhaps a little encouragement if you can spare it)

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